Writing Gags for Award Shows

Cuchi, cuchiSurely, every company has one ? the de facto go-to guy for gags, aphorisms and other ephemera written to float the fearsome, gaseous godhead of Oz. Paging Mr. Howell. I was asked to pen a sketch to proceed an auction lot at the Sonoma Valley Harvest Wine Auction last Sunday, which had to include the improbable combination of John Lennon, Audrey Hepburn circa Breakfast at Tiffany’s and, even more inexplicably, Love Boat alumnus Charo. What resulted was a bit of anti-theater mercifully dashed from the evening’s program (a last minute wardrobe change meant the whole thing had to be rejiggered, which I was all too keen to do). In the original, I was to play Lennon, but likewise found my wardrobe lacking ? the Lennon-esque sunglasses I had ordered online perched on my face such that I resembled an oafish, blind man straight out of Dickens. What follows never happened so Bruce Vilanch needn’t look for a day job anytime soon.

Lennon and Bowie’s ?Fame? plays while John Lennon, Charo and Holly Golightly take the stage.

John: I’m here to say that the Beatles aren’t bigger than Jesus ? he could turn water to wine. I can only turn wine into pee.

Charo: Do you always play the fool John?

John: Only when you play the strumpet, Charo.

Holly: Charo plays guitar, John.

John: (to Charo) Then we should make some beautiful music together and in the morning have breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Charo: Cuchi, cuchi.

Holly: Hey, I resent that.

John: (to Charo) Or we could have breakfast at Holly’s ? if you know what I mean.

Holly: What do you mean?

John: In some ways, I am bigger than Jesus.

Charo: Cuchi, cuchi!

All three exit arm in arm.