Those who visit me on Facebook might have noticed the curtains drawn and an impressive array of new locks on the virtual doors.

Don’t worry, I haven’t unfriended you. I’ve simply became a page. By “page” I don’t mean a congressional page (that program was canceled) or a page a la ?apprentice squire? whom one might have seen scurrying around ye olde medieval manor. Nope, I just converted my profile into a page, which somehow sounds like I’ve been flattened into the two-dimensional Phantom Zone from Superman.

This conversion was the inevitable result of my promiscuous acceptance of friend requests. While gleefully clicking in the affirmative for every solicitation, I inadvertently permitted the creepier spectrum of my readership too much access to family and friends. And now they are dead. Just kidding. But after attempting to block all the creeps, which has to be done individually and frankly takes more time than their lot is worth, I decided instead to blow up my personal profile and exist on Facebook as merely a page. Somehow, it’s safer in here with General Zod.

It also provides a range of functionality that’s better suited to the way I prefer to engage online, be it with pals, the public or psycho killers.

This is how you too can convert your personal profile into a page.

And this is the Talking Heads: