The best way to preserve your sanity from the news cycle.

You know the scene: Phone down, lights out, flip the pillow, sleep, dream, awake, snooze alarm, awake for reals, check your phone and there it is—your government has done something morally dubious (again) and the world is now a different place than it was the night before.

Good Morning, America, how are you?

The seismic shifts in our foreign/domestic/intergalactic policy are like the teasing tremors experienced here in Earthquake Country—each foreshadows The Big One that will eventually split us from the continent and splash us into the Pacific. Can’t wait. Someday, off the coast of Nevada, they’ll sell submarine tours of our “New Atlantis” where survivors will frolic like Sea-Monkeys.

And now, the administration is suing my hometown of Petaluma because it became an all-electric city and instituted a ban on natural gas infrastructure in new buildings…wait for it… five years ago.

So, far as I can tell, the only way to avoid the relentless onslaught of inanity is A) Put your phone in the garbage disposal; and B) Only accept news from pigeons. This guarantees only the most germane information will reach you due to the expense and avian expertise necessary to send it. Also, I’m a pigeon, so you may continue reading.

The problem is that the news cycle has surpassed the spin cycle and the nation’s dirty laundry piles as its people are hung out to dry.

Remember simpler times, like last year, when the headlines were relatively benign? Like the vainglorious name change of the Gulf of Mexico. Any moment now they’ll announce that Russian Roulette is now American Roulette.

And the spin continues. Click.