Mocktober: Darling Readers, welcome to October – the tenth, formally eighth, month of the year. This fine fall month got knocked down a couple pegs when January and February were introduced by Pope Gregory XIII to account for winter, which was theretofore monthless in the original Roman calendar. Not only was the season an endless sprawl of chilly non-dates leading up to March, it was notably bereft of a Jan. 7, the birth date of Pope Gregory who was born in 1502.  Pope Gregory, decreed the switch to the new “Gregorian” calendar in 1582, thereby granting himself a birthday. Then he died in 1585 at the age of 3.

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Sty of the beholder: I was dutifully writing this column over a late breakfast at the Sunflower Caffé when a woman approached and explained she recognized me from my mug shot and films on SVTV27. Since I’m always pleased with the opportunity to form a rapport with a fellow Sonoman, I engaged. She proceeded to tell me that my recently chopped mop and the musketeer-beard I’ve grown make me look old. I politely thanked her and quipped under my breath, “Evidently the disguise is not working.” Yeah, it’s not the beard that’s aging me, lady.

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Office á la mode: VinSpinPR impresario Mick Robbins, the “self-described public relationalist,” was ousted from a local furniture shop when it became apparent that he was using a business furniture display as his personal office. NomaHaus proprietor Marsha Gaiman approached Robbins and another man, identified only as a prospective client of Robbins’ beleaguered press agency, to inquire about the flack’s interest in purchasing the suite, which included a mid-century modern desk, a Herman Miller chair (in true-black), a shelving unit and a tea service that had been moved from another display. Apparently, Robbins laughed off Gaiman’s query as a joke and dispatched her to get some coffee as his client looked nervously on. Aghast, Gaiman threatened to call the police, at which point the unidentified gentleman departed, huffing that Robbins was a “charlatan.” Robbins then accused Gaiman of losing him a large public relations account and demanded restitution. “Imminent domain, baby,” was Robbins’ justification for squatting in the furniture store display for the better part of two hours as he made various “irate-sounding” cell phone calls. When police asked Robbins to clarify his remarks, he said “I’m hoping money is imminent, ’cause the need for dough is my main issue.”

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Sonoma diet: Paul-Henri Moreau, the controversial gastronome who publicly advocated consuming animals that have been awarded the Dickin Medal for war service (“the message of a fricasseed carrier pigeon is ‘Yum!’” he wrote), was escorted from an area kennel last week when it became apparent that he had not boarded an animal there. Moreau, who characterized his visit as “merely speculative” was also spotted near the duck pond several weeks ago attempting to overfeed the fowl to fatten their livers. Both acts have caused animal advocacy group Wine Country Humane to issue “alert” posters featuring Moreau’s face and an advisory that the company listed on his business card, Animaux Mangeables, is not “Animal Management” as often mistranslated, but rather “Edible Pets.” Moreau responded to the agency’s campaign by huffing “You Americans consume everything else, what’s to stop you from eating your pets? Trust me, they worry about it every time one of you waddles from the couch to the kitchen. It’s damn near hypocrisy that you don’t eat them. When I gaze into the black caviar eyes of a bichon frise, however, it doesn’t fret I might eat it – it knows.” Representatives from WCH were too appalled to comment.