Governor Declares September “Wine Month,” Or, My Lunch with Arnie

Cheers.

So, Governor Schwarzenegger has declared September “California Wine Month” (again). Apparently, he’s never been to Sonoma where every month is “Wine Month,” which is comprised of “Wine Weeks” and “Wine Days,” and so on – to hours, minutes and nanoseconds. What’s the duration of a “wine nanosecond?” About the amount of time it takes to realize that declaring September “California Wine Month” is like declaring December “Reach Your Credit Limit for Jesus Month.” It’s going to happen no matter what stamp Sacramento puts on it.

As the Governor said in the proclamation, the fifth of its ilk in as many years, “Our wineries attract tourism and provide countless jobs for Californians” and heck, non-Californians too, but not every industry can be like our gubernatorial office, right? So, let’s not acknowledge this necessary contribution, lest we arouse jealously.

As for tourism, the question always arises – is Sonoma a wine town or a tourist town? One can assume that tourists come to Sonoma for an experience other than meeting other tourists, so let’s says that it’s a wine town that attracts tourism. On the rare occasion that a tourist has actually arrived with the intent of hobnobbing with other tourists, we may also assume that wine will somehow be involved either as a social lubricant (read: wine allays “social anxiety disorder,” so cancel that Paxil prescription and join a wine club) or as a salvo for the failed tourist alone in the B&B.

“Many are also committed to serving their communities and promoting socially and environmentally responsible farming practices,” said Governor of our California wineries. This is particularly true of ours in Sonoma, which have always made a positive distinction between farming and say, agribusiness. Suffice it to say, when the Monsanto Merlot and ConAgra Cabernet hit the shelves, the jig is up. Corn syrup has taken its rightful place in America’s obesity epidemic, but must it sweeten our dessert wines too?

The Governor should have declared September “California ‘Sonoma’ Wine Month,” then perhaps we could forgive him for (choose one) A) Being governor; B) “Kindergarten Cop” C) Possibly closing down our state parks. Dude, half of downtown Sonoma IS A STATE PARK. Thanks, Arnold. Can I get you another glass of corn wine?

In the days of yore, the business lunch was an afternoon-long affair, built around a trio of martinis (not so, these days, unless you’re a character on “Mad Men,” and at last glance, the width of my tie says “No”). However, in Sonoma, there is the “three bottle lunch,” which is usually enjoyed by two (or less) people in the corner of a local brasserie. It’s high time the Governor and I had a Sonoma style power lunch (I am, after all, Sonoma County’s official lifestyle ambassador). We’d settle into my booth at the Fig, order up a bottle of rosé (with a second bottle – another Rhone varietal, of course – at the ready). I’d say, “Arnold, man, you’re down in the polls, our kids can learn more in prison than our public schools and we’re one earthquake away from being Atlantis. Let’s say, you do something right and turn this thing around, eh?”

“I’m listening,” the Governor says as he snaps a baguette in half with his thumb and forefinger.

“You gotta change California Wine Month to Sonoma Wine Month.”

“But, it’s for all of Caleefornia, Daedalus,” he’d reply.

“Then change the name of California to Sonoma.”

The Governor smiles wryly and then rises to go to the restroom. “I’ll be back,” he joshes and I pretend to laugh. Then I wait. And wait. And then the bill comes and I realize the Governor isn’t coming back.

Brought to you by the Sonoma Index-Tribune.