Ransom Note Generator

My bookkeeper had good and bad news. I asked for the bad news first, like they do in the movies, figuring the good news would counterpoint the bad with something pithy and ironic. And we’d all laugh.

Or at least nervously titter. It went like this: “The bad news is you’re profitable.” I wasn’t taken entirely by surprise seeing as I introduce myself in meetings as, “I’m Daedalus Howell and I’m a workaholic,” which gets neither laughs nor nervous titters.

The good news, I thought, could only be, “Google called.” They hadn’t. The only behemoth that would be calling, I realized is the IRS. To wit, as both the queen bee and a worker bee at the thriving hive mind that is our media venture, it’s incumbent upon me to hunt down clients and remind them of our “Net 15″ terms as regards our invoices.

To obtain what is rightfully ours, I’ve employed a gamut of techniques of late, most of which I developed while an “Arch Telemarketer” (qua “psychological warfare technician”) back in the early ’90s.

Throughout this shameful period of my professional life, I grew inured to interrupting someone’s dinner to explain why he or she simply must relinquish his or her credit card numbers to me posthaste, you know, before logic overrode the emotional gambit I had so expertly deployed. Those days are behind me. Now, I use cyber-bullying to shake people down for money and the online “ransom note generator” is my new weapon of choice.

Of the three RNGs that crest Google’s front page for the search “ransom note,” I’ve found the Ransom Note Generator at ransom.sytes.org offers the cleanest interface and results (that is, if you don’t mind the mildly alarming Google ad for a “free sex offender report” underneath the text bar). The RNG compensates for its bare-bones interface with a colorful alphabet that appears culled from every corner of the Internet and includes both typographical and photographic influences. I award this RNG three decidedly-nonmatching stars.

The ransom note generator at Addletters.com, whimsically presents your demands on a notebook background, which I personally find gratuitous, though some may find it provides some quaint graphical context for their anonymous missive.

Addletters also offers their generator in a downloadable desktop flavor that I can only assume is rife with adware (or would that be ransomware?).

The Ransom Note Generator at Strix.org.uk/ransom is the most utilitarian of the RNGs available. It’s a stripped-down affair with an alphabet that appears culled from newspapers and other print publications, resulting in a grim palette that adds an eerie authenticity to your illegal correspondence.

The RNG at Contactsheet.org, by contrast, presents a ransom note that, aesthetically, is only a notch above ye olde Zapf Dingbats font. That said, theirs is the only RNG that boasts any sort of legal disclaimer: “Use for entertainment purposes only,” though in the instructions the first directive is “Do some crime.”

Of course, I do not recommend “doing some crime,” unless of course it helps you pay your outstanding invoice to me, which will allow me to pay the ransom note I expect to arrive in 12 point Helvetica from the Tax Man.

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